A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe
race on the Missouri River. Both the teams practiced hard and long to
reach their peak performance before the race. 

On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. 

Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally
depressed. The American management decided the reason for the crushing
defeat had to be found. 

A "Management Team" made up of senior management was formed to
investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the
Japanese had 8 people rowing and one person steering, while the
American team had 8 persons steering and one person rowing.

So . . . American management hired a consulting company and paid them
an incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were
steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. 

To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's
management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering
supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant
superintendent steering manager. 

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1
person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called
the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and
free pens for the rower. "We must give the rower the empowerment and
enrichments through this quality program.". 

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. 

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor
performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles and
canceled all capital investments for new equipment. 

Then they distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior
executives. 

Thank goodness this is just a story and this sort of thing doesn't
happen in real life, eh?

THE WHARTON SCHOOL OF BUSINESS GUIDE TO
IMPROVING YOUR MANAGEMENT STYLE

1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES
These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten
steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as
they have disappeared around the corner.

2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW These
managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with
their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their
thoughts keep staring out of the windows.

3) MANAGING BY POST-IT'S Some managers forget everything.
They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously
writing on Post-it's while you are talking.

4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY These
managers just delegate everything to the secretary. If he is good,
He knows what she must do.

5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING These managers don't
really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers.
Meanwhile they fill the time with nice anecdotes of irrelevant
cases.

6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING These people try to
explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The
idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them: They
will always have something to talk about.

7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION Information hiders are
aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You
must be very thankful to get any information at all. Beware of
simulants from category 5!

8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS
These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking.
Else they got more work to do.

9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS In
hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking
in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed
by the lesser equal managers, and so on.

10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS If you
drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also
wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore.

11) MANAGING BY STUDYING Despite their continually attending
of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to
category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from the
practice.

12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS Do
you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows, boxes or
circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall
brilliance.

13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM This is a
major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management
style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want.
Nobody ever knows where these managers are.

14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS This
kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few
hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15
minutes.

15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING
INFRASTRUCTURE In an organization with a hopeless
infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers
will naturally prevent the organization from having a better
infrastructure.

16) BUA MANAGEMENT ( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS ) This
management style is ATRASACWOC (Adopted To Reach A
Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication).

17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS These managers like
to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.

18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION If they think there is
nothing more to organize, they reorganize.

19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING These managers must be
spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.

20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES If you remind them
to one of their promises, the priority of that promise is to low to
remember.

Death of Employee Memorandum

Dear Employees,

It has been brought to the attention of the management of this
company that many employees have been dying while on duty for no good
reason. Furthermore, it also appears that some employees are refusing
to fall over after they have died. This, in some cases, has resulted
in unearned overtime payments which are not provided for under our
employee benefit program.

Effective immediately, this practice must be discontinued!

On and after today, any employee found sitting up after he/she has
died will be dropped from the payroll at once, without further
investigation. This action is covered by Company Regulation #20
(non-productive labor).

When it can be proven that the employee is being held up by a desk,
typewriter, drawing board, telephone, or any other means of support
which is the property of the company, a one (1) day period of grace
will be granted.

In the event of apparent death, the following procedures will be
strictly adhered to:

1. If, after several hours, it is noted that any employee has not
moved or opened at least one eye, the department head will
investigate. Because of the highly sensitive nature and/or origin of
some employees and because of the close resemblance between death and
their normal working attitude, the investigation will be made quietly
so as to avoid waking the employee if he/she is asleep (which is, of
course, permitted under present union contracts).

2. If some doubt still exists as to the true condition of the
employee, a pay check will be used as the final test. If the
employee fails to reach for the check, it is reasonable to assume
that death has occurred. Note that in some cases the instinct is so
strongly developed that a spastic clutching may occur even after
death; do not be misled by this manifestation.

3. In the event that an employee fails to abandon whatever he/she is
doing at Coffee Break time, no investigation is necessary as this is
conclusive proof that rigor mortis has already set in.

Best Regards,
-The Management

Phone Won't Stop Ringing?  Here's what to do...

Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem.
But unlike most people she did something about it.

The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and
had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.  From the
moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her.
Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she
had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number.
Naturally, the management refused claiming that it couldn't change
its stationery.

The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number,
and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24
hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on
deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.

At 9 o'clock the phone rang.  Someone from Memphis was calling the
motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leola said,
"No problem.  How many nights?"

A few hours later Dallas checked in.  A secretary wanted a suite
with two bedrooms for a week.  Emboldened, Leola said the
Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a
night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the
hotel wanted a deposit.  "No, that won't be necessary," Leola
said. "We trust you."  The next day was a busy one for Leola.  In
the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers'
convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion
of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.

She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she
could watch her favorite soap, but her biggest challenge came in
the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her
daughter's wedding in June.  Leola assured the woman that it
would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the
flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother
said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral
arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up.

Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet
parking, but we always recommend that the client tip the drivers."

Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.
People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet
Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.

Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that
the motel might go bankrupt.  Her phone rang, and an executive
from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the
motel."

Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the
telephone number."

Famous 'Last' Words

Keep the faith...

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a
means of communication.  The device is inherently of no value to us." --
Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value.  Who would pay
for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates
in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better
than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." -- A Yale University management
professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight
delivery service.  (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the h*** wants to hear actors talk?" -- H.M.  Warner, Warner Brothers,
1927 "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not
Gary Cooper." -- Gary Cooper, on his decision to not take the leading role
in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea.  Besides, the market research reports say
America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." --
Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs.  Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca
Recording Co.  rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." -- Lord Kelvin,
president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment.  The
literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." -- Spencer
Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It"
Notepads.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even
built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us?  Or
we'll give it to you.  We just want to do it.  Pay our salary, we'll come
work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and
they said, 'Hey, we don't need you.  You haven't got through college
yet.'" -- Apple Computer Inc.  founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari
and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction
and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react.
He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." --
1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket
work.

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of
your muscles?  It can't be done.  It's just a fact of life.  You just have
to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of
weight training." -- Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable"
problem by inventing Nautilus.

"Drill for oil?  You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?  You're
crazy." -- Drillers whom Edwin L.  Drake tried to enlist in his project to
drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." -- Irving
Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marechal
Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." -- Charles H.  Duell,
Commissioner, U.S.  Office of Patents, 1899.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".  -- Pierre Pachet,
Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872 "The abdomen, the chest, and the
brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane
surgeon".  -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed
Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

"No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris." -- Orville Wright.